Yes, Freshers: Dundee is Real (and it’s Cursed!)
Thought it was just a joke made up to scare undergraduates, or an exaggerated St. Memedrews nightmare creation? Guess again, fuckers: Dundee is real as shit, and thanks to an ancient Scottish curse everything you say about it becomes true.
To show you dicks the consequences of your actions, we sent two students on a Stagecoach bus with a £20 note and no change to experience the chaos first-hand:
“Everything was true” said David, a 1st year English student/prick. “We got off the bus and found the uni actually was a literal dump with seagulls circling it. The lecture halls were filled with dribbling, speechless cave-people. It was all like something out of The Time Machine, but with a Primark and Costa in walking distance.”
Our two twats even got to see the ancient spell (which we could probably break if stopped trolling each other for a second) in action. “We found the union” said Sarah, a 1st year physicist/idiot. “But someone somewhere must have made another jpeg, because it transformed right in front of us into a ball-pit full of toddlers.”
“I used to think this was all harmless ‘smug, posturing bullshit’” said David. “Something to make St. Andrews look remotely interesting, and less like an elaborate advert for golf and jumpers. But now, I just don’t know. I’m starting to think being an absolute dick for no reason might have some repercussions...”
After the bus driver suddenly turned into that guy from Goonies, it took Sarah 15 minutes to speak again. “I remember Freshers Week. All the old memes, you know? ‘That’s Dundee, Simba, you must never go there’. Hahahaha. But now, knowing it’s real? That we turned it into this place, and that there are people out there, suffering? It’s just awful”.
“I’m certainly not laughing now”, she told us, before adding “Haha, ‘That’s Dundee’, hah”.
Article written by Bobby Innes*
* location of current residence unknown