Who Spilled Coffee On Salvator’s Computer System?!

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Oh no! Someone spilled coffee all over the Salvator News’ main computer systems. Looks like St Andrews will be out of comedic journalism for a while. What a catastrophe! What kind of heartless, vile person could have done this? Can you help find the culprit behind this mystery?

Was it…

Professor Prune

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St Andrews’ beloved Ancient History lecturer, Professor Prune, may have a long list of academic accolades to confirm his reputation within the scholarly community, but his innocence from this crime certainly isn’t as definite. Known for his harsh stance on comedy, Prune has gone as far as to ban all “funny-talk” from his lectures, claiming that “those clown students and their pestering jokes always interrupt my teaching!”

I wouldn’t put it past ol’ Prune to pour a hot cup of steaming joe over the Salvator computers.

Lady Hawthorne

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Heiress to the St Andrews fortune, Her Elegance Lady Hawthorne of Oxbridgeshire certainly wouldn’t seem to be the kind of dame to succumb to a life of crime. No, such an association would only be fit for “the likes of chimneysweeps and poor people!” (her words, not mine).

But who knows? Times have been tough on the Hawthorne family in recent years, what with the outbreak of scandal, blackmail, and war on the Western Front all coming through at once. Destroying the source of student-publicised comedy wouldn’t be out of line for the Hawthorne name.

Refined, charming, and a bit racist, Lady Hawthorne might be behind this Salvator tragedy after all…

The Butler

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The Butler! Surely you remember Jeeves, the esteemed St Andrews family butler. Or is he so esteemed after all? An exclusive Salvator investigation into records of Jeeves’ family ancestry has uncovered a shady past, one with strong ties to the Peaky Blinders, or one of those other old-timey British mobs, you know what I mean? The ones with the no-nonsense kind of attitude – the kind of attitude that could definitely translate into a hatred for all things comedy in today’s world. It wouldn’t be out of place for the old butler to take care of St Andrews humour once and for all, if you catch my drift…and I think you do.

Miss Magenta

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Just look at her. That slender frame. Those long legs. Those other body parts. She’s a real femme fatale, I’ll say that. A real knockout. Me-OW.

Oh yeah, and maybe she spilled the coffee on the keyboard, or some shit like that.

Rex P. Sullivan

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One thing’s for sure: this Texas oil tycoon sure loves his money! Yee-haw!

You

Oh you would do this, wouldn’t you? This is such a you thing to do: just fuck up once again, pin the blame on someone else, and act like you’re the real victim here. And now thanks to you, the community is without its comedy. All because you don’t have the common courtesy to keep your coffee away from the computer. Seriously, you can’t keep living like this. This isn’t a healthy habit, and it certainly doesn’t help to create a list of fictional suspects to—

Me

Oh wait, never mind, it was me. Yeah, no, definitely me. I spilled the coffee. Sorry guys, I forgot I put it right next to my keyboard this morning. And I had this itch on my leg, so when I bent over to scratch it, I knocked my mug over. Anyway, I did it. My bad. Hope I didn’t overreact again.

Written by Christoph von Münchow