What's this? What's this?
There are Mermaids everywhere
There's (exam) panic in the air
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, Salvator, this isn't fair
That's right. It's that time of the year when many thanks have been given, Black Friday has been and gone, and now Christmas Ball, the highlight of every St Andrean’s social calendar, is rolling into view as is the custom of such spherical social occasions. Allow my very good self, the Salvator's resident fashion guru and answer to Gok Wan, to guide you through the fashion dos and don'ts of the season's biggest event:
1. Wear clothes – a timeless look. By wearing clothes, be sure to ooze with aplomb this festive season and be the envy of all, darling!
2. Make a half arsed attempt at Jack Skellington themed fancy dress and pass it off as 'flabby' chic. Make sure all eyes are on YOU when you walk in the room. Not because you look glamorous though, because you look fucking terrifying. Donning this look or similar is a sure fire way to avoid all the bar queues whilst people back away with crucifixes and holy water.
3. Avoid white. Embrace your inner professional glutton and submerge yourself head first in the chocolate fountain. The perfect remedy to drown away this semester's sorrows in a cocoa induced onset of type 2 diabetes.
1. Give a shit – It’s revision week. Nightmare before Christmas? More like Shite-mare before Christmas. You’re tired, I’m tired, the world is tired. You probably look fine anyway. If you don’t, it’ll be dark enough inside Kinkell Byre to hide the bags under your eyes from pulling that wretched all-nighter the other day. I’m going to give you some advice from one of my personal heroes, the great philosopher and philanthropist C.M. Aguilera – “You are beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can't bring you down oh noooo.” My darlings, the key to beauty and confidence is not giving a shit. You look fine, and let’s be honest anyway, you’re there for the freebies not for the fashion.
Sally herself from the film wears a patched up dress – a convenient get out of jail free card if you look a bit scruffy! If questioned by anyone about your fashion choices, just say you’re cosplaying her or one of the other monsters.
Let me be frank with you dear reader, it's not worth worrying about. Don't get me wrong, I love myself a bit of the old fine society life but a spectre is haunting St Andrews - the spectre of exams...umism. You have bigger worries than which cummerbund will complement your bow tie best - FORGET ESCAPISM. THIS IS THE CALM BEFORE THE FRICKING STORM MY FRIEND!
Plus it's bloody freezing out there. My best advice would be to stick to the shadier areas of the Byre and quaff whatever prosecco substitute there is to hand until you forget your troubles and enjoy the ball.
Peace and love my little festive terrors x x