VALENTINE'S DAY INCIDENT INVOLVING FEMALE STUDENT AND ELDERLY RELATIVE

BREAKING NEWS: Reports are coming in that a 4th year female student has snapped and punched an elderly relative in the face, after being asked for the 1000th time if she’d found her prince yet. The pair were apparently meeting at Cottage Kitchen for a Galentine’s catch up before the elderly relative brought up the young student’s love life in conversation. 

THE SCENE OF THE CRIME - ST ANDREWS BELOVED COTTAGE KITCHEN WAS SUBJECT TO VIOLENT SCENES OF CARNAGE FOLLOWING THE INCIDENT.

THE SCENE OF THE CRIME - ST ANDREWS BELOVED COTTAGE KITCHEN WAS SUBJECT TO VIOLENT SCENES OF CARNAGE FOLLOWING THE INCIDENT.

The elderly lady, reportedly named ‘Granny Smith’, was clearly unaware of upmost important sacramental commandments of conversing with younger female relatives, which follow:

Thou shalt not ask a female St Andrews student if they’ve found their prince yet, for it is an unoriginal and tedious joke.

Thou shalt not ask a female relative if and when they plan on settling down. They are only in their early twenties; Surprise, surprise they don’t know either.

Thou shalt not ask a female relative whether she plans on renting out her womb to a foetus. Completely invasive and unacceptable.

Thou shalt keep your goddamn nose out of their business and personal life.

Thou shalt not rub salt into the wound on Valentine’s day.

Thou shalt respect the sanctity of ovaries before brovaries.

Thou shalt restrict topics of conversation to: twee St Andrews traditions such as the PH square, the rise and fall of Hamish McHamish and FS, best loved cafés in St Andrews, and who won Strictly Come Dancing.

According to sources, the yet unnamed female student has since gone on a rampage throughout the town.  She has been witnessed pushing over smug couples holding hands on South Street, has bought out Gorgeous Café’s signature strawberry and champagne valentine’s scones “just to spite the smug shits” who were planning on sharing one over a romantic date, and finally thrown eggs at Northpoint which brandishes a huge banner reading: “Where Kate met Wills (for coffee)”. At this point she was heard to scream “Get a new fucking banner, it’s over 10 years since they were here, GET OVER IT”. 

NORTHPOINT'S INFAMOUS KATE AND WILLS BANNER - RESPONSIBLE FOR CAUSING MANY A DESPONDENT EYE ROLL AND GROAN AMONGST CYNICAL STUDENTS WHO HAVE GIVEN UP ON THE PURSUIT OF LOVE. 

NORTHPOINT'S INFAMOUS KATE AND WILLS BANNER - RESPONSIBLE FOR CAUSING MANY A DESPONDENT EYE ROLL AND GROAN AMONGST CYNICAL STUDENTS WHO HAVE GIVEN UP ON THE PURSUIT OF LOVE. 

The Salvator managed to catch up with Granny Smith for a few words on the incident.

“Well I didn’t mean to patronise her. I just think it’s my right as the matriarch of the family to know exactly when she’s met her prince and when she’s going to provide me an heir. I really want to have a great grandchild and I’m not going to be around forever, so it’s about time she stopped whinging, got on her back and thought of Kate and Wills. It’s only fair on me, for her to put all her plans on halt and please my needs. I bought her a slice of cake today, now all I ask is for her to sacrifice her body, career, and I suppose, rest of her life in return. Is that too much to ask?”

At this point, our Salvator journalist at the scene also lost it and threw a glass of water at Granny Smith. They have subsequently been detained by the Police and await further questioning.

More follows.