Amidst the sobering aftermath of the American Election and the jubilation of Welly Ball's success, a hot news story has begun to break in the Bubble. In a move towards making St Andrews Student Union a UNESCO World Heritage Site, the Salvator can report a proposal is currently being considered by the Union, to remove the dearly departed Lizard’s dance-floor (St Andrews' answer to Barcelona’s Sagrada Família), and relocate to the Student Union.
This development is believed to be the first stage in a wider project to recreate and preserve the Lizard, site of many an unwelcome grope, for future generations of students to sigh wistfully at and admire the sheer joie de vivre of their academic ancestors before them.
With the aim of recreating ’The True Lizard Experience,' the union has looked into a partnership with Madame Tussaud who they hope will help them with the innovative installation of waxworks of leering middle-aged men and despondent students on a night out. The aim of this provocative installation is to make the experience as realistic as possible. The lifelike figures are said to have a regularly topped up supply of running tears to fully complete the mid-life look of despair and emptiness that all students have come to know and love during week 10 of semester.
A crack team of forensic specialists have been enlisted by the union to aid in the difficult restoration phase of the dance-floor. The Salvator’s sources inform us that they are currently locked in the union bar engaged with the task of meticulously spilling test-tube shots and cheap vodka-mixers over the hallowed ground of the Lizard floor, in the pursuit of recreating the exact degree of floor stickiness that the Lizard became famed for. The nature of the work is said to be so physically demanding, that said specialists are ‘sweating profusely’ onto the dance-floor - a move which has been described as ‘groundbreaking’ in discovering the uniquely potent stickiness that served to be the downfall of many a drunkenly attempted moonwalk.
It has been reported the union have yet to receive a response from the contemporary artist Tracey Emin, who they had hoped to draft in as an expert in rubbish and bodily fluids distribution, as exhibited in her critically acclaimed ‘My Bed’ exhibition which was shortlisted for the coveted Turner Prize in 1999. The Union are allegedly pursuing other options, as rumour has it that even Emin considers the Lizard project too daunting a task, despite her impressive skill-set and extensive repertoire.
Watch this space..