Top 10 Skeletons I’d Most Like To Bone

Halloween is here, and people are already donning their costumes. Naturally one can expect to see the usual classics out in full force: sexy vampires, sexy cats, sexy ghosts. But this year, after seeing Daniel Craig wearing a Dia de los Muertos mask in Spectre, I realised it might be time to get spooky in the sheets with someone without skin. Here’s the shortlist...

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10: Gazerbeam from The Incredibles

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In addition to his stunning jawline, Gazerbeam’s visor lends him an aura of mystery. Does he still have eyes under there, or have they rotted away like the rest of him? We can only wonder…

9: The red skeleton man from Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed

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Jinkies! Get an eyeful of this strapping lad! He’s just one half of a duo, but his green twin doesn’t quite do it for me the same way.

8: Skeletor

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This is the ideal male body. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like. Honestly, he’d be higher on this list if he stopped getting screwed by He-Man.

7: Mr Bones

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I want to get on Mr. Bones’ wild ride.

6: Papyrus from Undertale

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Bonetrousle? More like ‘get into my bonetrousers’.

5: The skeleton propped up in the corner of my tenth grade biology classroom

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While this skeleton may lack the universal appeal of the others on this list, I can personally attest to having spent many a fifth period gazing longingly into those empty eye sockets.

4: King Richard III of England

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What can I say? He’s got royal blood. Or, well, at least he did.

 3: AL 288-1 (aka “Lucy”)

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You say ‘old’, I say ‘experienced’.

2: The skeleton inside you, reading this

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Yes, that’s right. I want to jump your bones.

 1: The charred corpse of famed martyr Patrick Hamilton

If sleeping with your academic sibling is an academic sin, and stepping on Patrick Hamilton’s initials is an academic sin, skull-fucking Patrick Hamilton’s hallowed bones is probably the biggest academic sin of all.

Written by NB