Tom Euthanised Because We Felt Like It

 
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We were bored yesterday so we decided to kill Tom, a much-loved friend and earnest contributor here at Salvator, for no real reason other than providing a distraction from the mundanity of our daily routine. As an added bonus, the move also finally put an end to the New York St Patrick’s Day Parade of nightmare imagery and psychological torture that has been his life.

“It was definitely the right thing to do,” said Bobby Innes, Assistant Salvator Editor and prolific campaigner for the right to die. “I saw Tom looking sad the other day, and it reminded me of how pointless his existence is, and I realised that I had a moral obligation as his friend to put an end to it. Then I remembered my schedule was pretty light today, so I thought now was as good a time as any".

“Life is a four act pantomime of suffering, and Tom is the Dame.”

Mr Caruth was euthanised in the office yesterday shortly after lunch time, once enough time had passed to allow the service to justifiably break up the afternoon. The ceremony was well-attended by close colleagues of Tom who had nothing better to do that afternoon. Former Comedy Society member Michael Grieve was invited to say a few words at the start, a speech that started as standard motivational fare before segueing into a mildly entertaining but ultimately forgettable stand-up routine.

Caruth, who has been under a mild anaesthetic since the Autumn of 2012, was then administered a series of injections of things we found in the janitor’s cupboard. Witnesses described the process as “tragic”, “deeply moving” and “overdue”.

Having killed a respected but disposable friend and twenty-five minutes, the staff resumed the day’s work. It is assumed that Tom’s absence will be commented on in the coming weeks in water cooler conversations but is deemed unlikely to be of further-reaching consequences by the Editorial staff.

RIP TOM CARUTH 1997-2017


Article written by Patrick Rowan