Students Unable To Handle Spirits
(Not The Alcoholic Kind This Time)
While most students in St Andrews expect to have trouble with flat hunting, nobody expects trouble with a flat haunting! The residents of one Fife Park flat, however, have come to fear that the paranormal is the only explanation for the mysterious nocturnal activity in their home.
“It’s weird”, said third-year Griselda Trunchby; “You hear these shuffling and clattering noises at 2am, and then you’ll wake up in the morning to find that items in the kitchen will have been rearranged. I called someone about an exorcism, but apparently Divinity students don’t actually do that.”
Flatmate Annette Harbinger also described a sad and pained nightly moaning from behind a door that is always locked and that nobody has been seen entering or leaving all year. “I really wish I wasn’t living beside that creepy room. I’d even trade for the one next to Griselda and her awful boyfriend who seems to live here now, and who definitely ate that curry I left in the fridge. At least I know those noises aren’t paranormal”.
The group has been investigating the source of the nightly terror, but to no avail. “We’ve been looking into the flat’s history for the usual things that might explain a haunting”, explained second year Hank Fletcher. “But since Student Accommodation have assured us that nobody’s ever found a cursed locket, creepy Japanese videotape or Native American burial ground on this site, we’ve had to conclude that it could be any one of the many people killed in this town’s bloody history of socio-political turmoil. Between the Scottish Wars of Independence, the Reformation, and the gruesome meme wars of the recent Rectorial election, the odds are that every single place in this town is extremely haunted”.
Salvator News interviewed local celebrity apparition The White Lady, who confirmed that she is not haunting Fife Park at this time. However, after around 200 years of haunting the Cathedral grounds where her body may lie, she is considering a move to St Salvator’s Quad or the Subway on Market Street. “There’s too many ghosts around the Cathedral, and I’m tired of the Prior up on top of St Rule’s Tower figuratively and literally looking down on me. It’s a tough choice, though”, she told Salvator. “The Quad has a nice classical appeal, but it just seems so obvious to see a ghost there. Subway has a lot of potential; nobody expects to see a spectral disembodied head appearing in the sandwich oven when they’re choosing the salad on their footlong Meatball Marinara”.
Shortly before going to press, we managed to catch up with the flat’s resident PhD student. Asked about the mysterious goings-on in his home, he told us: “I haven’t heard anything about a haunting, but then I really don’t have time to talk to those Freshers or whatever. Besides, if anyone’s going to notice something spooky going on in the night it’d be me: I usually get home late from the lab, have some dinner, then get a pitiful few hours of sleep in before heading back to work, which I need to get back to now”. He then left us with a prolonged and anguished groan.
The mystery continues…