It has just been confirmed that yet another student has been expelled from St Andrews for refusing to flaunt recent league table results on Facebook and Twitter. Second year, Joanne Bloggs, has become the 18th Undergraduate to be expelled amidst a new initiative which aims to ensure all current St Andrews students brag to their friends about the institution’s place in national rankings.
Speaking to the Salvator, Ms Bloggs expressed extreme disappointment about her actions.
“I am so, so ashamed with myself. I’ve spent many a sleepless night haunted with regret and questioning why I didn’t choose to share the results online. Part of the reason I came to this university is because it’s so high in the league tables and it’s so important that everyone knows this. I wouldn’t want my friends thinking that I’d come here for the people or the town or to 'find my prince', or something stupid like that.”
The Salvator spoke to a St Andrews University representative about a recent conversation they’d had over Facebook.
“I often feel like my Facebook friends don’t quite appreciate just how prestigious this university is. They often forget how much better this university is than the ones that they go to, so it’s always good to remind them of their inferiority as much as I possibly can!”
Part of the reason this new initiative was introduced was due to the fall in the Good University Guide Rankings. St Andrews University was downgraded from 3rd to 4th place in a shock move which is being described as “absolutely heartbreaking” and allegedly reduced the new Principle to tears.
The Salvator reached out to official league table administrators for comment and received the following response:
“Part of the reason we bumped St Andrews down the list was because our coveted League Table posts weren’t getting enough shares on Facebook. You know the age old adage, ‘one like = one prayer’. We base our ranking method on that.”
In light of this situation, the University Services are already taking precautionary steps ahead of next academic year’s league table publication. Students are being reminded to constantly be on the lookout for any posts on various social media platforms and click share with the utmost urgency.
For your convenience, the Salvator team has provided some key phrases you can use in your Facebook posts to make sure your friends at other universities know exactly how much better you are than them:
“If anyone asks why I came this far for university, this is why!”
“Yet again St. Andrews comes out on top, suck on that Durham!”
“Did Edinburgh even make it to the top ten? Didn’t think so.”
“Oxbridge can kiss my superior academic balls…oh, wait.."