Student Attends Play Of Own Volition


Patrons of the premiere of the Mermaids production of Hamlet v MacBeth: Dane of Justice were shocked to find that one student in their midst had shown up entirely of his own accord.

Second-year Marine Anthropology student Jack Smudgens was found to have attended the student production without having been emotionally bludgeoned into seeing the show by a member of the cast or production staff, to whom he felt social obligations.

Suspicions were aroused when he was overheard explaining to a confused and terrified patron that he was a fan of live theatre and had been looking forward to the show, which was to be the first offering in Mermaids’ new expanded theatrical universe.

The Salvator spoke with a number of horrified students who had witnessed the scene:

“It’s just very uncomfortable”, said visibly shaken Sustainable Development Fresher Daisy Smythe-Jones, “I feel like there’s this pressure on me to pay attention to all the bits where my academic Mum isn’t on the stage. I’m missing a lot of Facebook messages!”

3rd-year Film Science student Penny Wetherby-Featherby told The Salvator “It’s outrageously weird. I mean, what’s he even going to do after the show is over? I’m going to awkwardly cling to my friend in the bar till she leaves because she’s the only one in the room that I actually know. Who is he going to hang around?”

A fourth year who wishes to remain anonymous told us “Like most decent, normal people, I’m here because I’m trying to get into my academic daughter’s good books so she’ll sleep with me. What’s that weird creep’s deal?”

By the end of the intermission, Jack had been forcibly removed from the theatre, and patrons were safe to go back to their routine of half-watching the show before congratulating their friends on their performances

Following a university disciplinary committee, Jack is banned from all future Mermaids productions on pain of being drowned in the Kinnessburn. However, this may not be the end of Jack’s reign of terror as sources close to him tell The Salvator that he is rumoured to have started tuning into Star radio shows not made by close acquaintances.