Stand-ups of St. Andrews

Who are the stars of Sandy’s Sundown Standup when they’re not onstage? In preparation for tomorrow’s show, we sent our finest photographer and some other guy with a pen to find out…

 
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“Jokes should look good and feel good, like a great pair of jeans. Tight. Form-fitting. Maybe a nice jacket to go with it. Yeah, I can see it now. What a look. Does that answer your question?”

 
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“I didn’t grow up funny. My hobby when I was a kid was plate spinning. I’d plate spin all day long. Some people think you can only spin plates, like, in the street. Or in a circus. But a true plate spinner spins plates wherever he wishes. I was going to make it big, too, but my parents were never encouraging. “Son,” they’d say. “That’s expensive china.” Sometimes they’d say things like, “A funeral is no place for plate spinning. You’re getting pastry everywhere. And where did you get that plate spinning pole?” What they didn’t know is I always carried a collapsible plate spinning pole in my pocket. Just in case.”

 
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“I don’t even go here. My first gig I walked on stage by accident. They loved that, so now I do it every week. I’m technically homeless.”

 
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"I once got stuck in a toilet in Gannochy when the handle came off the door. I could have screamed for help, and it would have had to be proper screaming, but I'm a grown man in my boxers, there's no dignity in that. So I spent 25 minutes engineering rolled up bits of toilet paper to feed into the door frame and pull the catch. Had to sacrifice some sanitary disposal bags in the operation, too. Eventually, I got free and could put some clothes on. I’d faced adversity and won. No toilet has ever messed with me since."

 
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“He’s right behind me, isn’t he?”

 
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“I can’t stand that in comedy, the audience gets to laugh at you and you don’t get to laugh back. Most comedians are cowards, too afraid to laugh at their own jokes, or their own audience. This is a two-way street, buddy. From now on, when I hit that stage, 50% of my time is gonna be spent laughing right in your big dumb face. That’s how it should be. Anyway, please crop me out of this thing, I still need bookings…”

 
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[Caption redacted]

 
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“I was never meant to be a comedian. But one night, I ran over a comic with my bike. So now I wear his clothes, tell his jokes, live his life. It’s the only way I can deal with the guilt. Anyway I have to go, I’m having lunch with his dad.”