Aries

 

If you woke up today with a copy of Allen Ginsberg’s Howl by your bed and your Master’s Degree in Filmmaking from the Tisch School of the Arts hung on your wall, do not worry. This happens on occasion. You have merely turned into famous Arian, James Franco.

 

Taurus

zodiac-horoscope-taurus-1-sign.jpg
 

There will be a strong connection between you and the elements this month. You will be the center of attention, so indulge yourself by showing the world that you value yourself, especially over others.

Dare to challenge others around you, for deep in your psyche you know, à la Tina Turner, that you're simply the best. Rebuff your tutors by grading them on the 20.00 scale. Deign to give them a low 2:2. Just do it, you unstoppable demigod. 

 

Gemini

 

This month brings with it great upheaval for your personal life. During this challenging period, you’ll uncover that the Parent Trap was actually written about you and your long lost twin. Amazing. 

 

Cancer

 

Your sign is a popular seafood dish on the East Fife Coast, so it means you’ll probably be cooked and eaten in Tailend by some over-privileged golfer for dinner.

Sorry about that, only telling you what the stars are telling me. 

 

Leo

 

This month, I’m afraid your card is marked.  You should especially watch out for vengeful brothers with scars who want to overthrow you and your kingdom.

You may also be befriended by a warthog and a meerkat. Who even knows/cares anymore. The cosmos certainly doesn't.

 

Virgo

 

The cosmos predicts no nookie for you this month I’m afraid.

Or in the coming months…

or next week…

or ever.  

(The cosmos sends its sincerest condolences)

 

Libra

 

You’re going to be good at weighing things this month. Great if you’re competing on the Great British Bake Off where the precise measurements of your ingredients will make or break your Dampfnudel. If not, still an impressive soft skill for your Linked-in account that graduate employers will love.

Scorpio

You are literally just a scorpion. The cosmos has nothing else to contribute. 

Sucks to be you.

 

(Apologies, the cosmos is running out of ideas and needs a coffee)

 

Sagittarius

 

The stars will not affect your day to day life in any way whatsoever this month.

Please, continue just as you were.

 

Capricorn

This month will bring you fortune and fame, if you will it. For a fleeting moment, you will be featured on the Stand’s Power List 2016 and be recognised by someone unimportant in the Union toilets. 

This will pass though and you will soon fade in obscurity again.

 

(Loser)

 

Aquarius

 

 

You are the almighty God of the fishes. Enjoy.

 

Pisces

You are also the almighty God of the fishes. Assert your dominance over Aquarius, you omnipotent aquatic being, you.

 

 

 

* Potentially not 100% accurate. Don't blame us, blame fate.