Tabitha St-Tribe reports:

Written on Wednesday the 8th February 2017, 23.03

It has been reported that the drunk twats currently gathering in the Union suggests that there is some sporting event going on in 601. With Sinners only having been a week ago, it is unclear as to the exact nature of the event which has so clearly summoned this shower of bellends to make noise, engage in bizarre drinking rituals and casually vomit in and around the toilet. Whatever the motives, it’s clear that these twats are not going to leave until closing time and that their twattery is likely to continue in Dervish afterwards, while men called things like Aston and Chuck debate the finer points of baseball with women called things like Brittany and Jaimie.

Infamous local twat, Derrick Waterson, had this to say of the event:

“Yeah dude, it’s only the biggest event in the sporting calendar since like, last week. It was unmissable, I’ve been at pre’s since 3pm and I’m having a great time. Hang on a sec m9”

At this point Mr Waterson dropped to a squat and began to chug the Pablo in his hands accompanied by the rapturous applause of his friends, apparently impressed by his ability to imbibe the drink. Derrick, originally hailing from Surrey, was christened ‘Derek’ but changed his name to more easily fit in with the huge volume of Americans in his Lacrosse team.

When asked about how the number of wankers congregating in the Main Bar for the miscellaneous sporting event in Club 601 would affect honest students just trying to get plastered on a Wednesday, Waterson had this to say:

“Listen dog, I feel you. It must be tough for these ordinary people who just want to get trashed in peace, but you’ve got to understand that this is a special occasion. It’s not like we find an excuse to get excessively pissed and dress up in our sports kit every Wednesday, in fact three weeks ago, I remember our team got turned away from the Union and so we just stood in the car park making weirdly nondescript sexual comments to the girls that walked past.”

Non-sporty pisshead Charlie Forrester expressed annoyance at the event:

“Listen, we all like to go out and get fucked on a Wednesday, but at least I have the common decency to sit in the corner with two or three friends and settle down for serious drinking, not this sporty obnoxiousness.”

Whatever the exact nature of the presumably sports based event that’s occurring, it’s clear that the twats are unlikely to settle down until at least 3AM, at which point the innocent of St Andrews can finally be free get smashed in peace.

Stay tuned.