Postgraduate Thesis Descends into Twin Peaks Fan Theory

A psychology postgrad will be enduring another harsh winter in Scotland after his thesis accidentally spiralled into a 210 page theory about the Twin Peaks revival.


Ronny Nines, who titled his thesis ‘Incredibly Specific and Difficult-To-Replicate Behaviour in the Pointless Button-Pushing Task’, had left himself a whole night to write, proofread and bind the work. Unfortunately, he couldn’t just wait a fucking second to catch on the epic two-part finale, an error in judgement which has cost him his PhD and any remaining sense of purpose in this world.

The 100,000 word mistake (54,839 of which are ‘SPOILER ALERT’) expands on Ronny’s “the coffee is drugs” theory, which badly frames the show as a meditation on addiction. Although Ronny was completely unaware that he was deviating from the task at hand, the decline in quality is clearly visible on the second page, where the writing starts going backwards.

Needless to say, the tome has baffled his external examiners, both of whom are senior professors. “It seemed like he had actually been doing decent research”, said the first. “At least from the sentence where he actually mentioned it. It’s frustrating that it was interrupted by this unprofessional non sequitur...”

“I completely agree”, added the second. “Anyone trying to write off three seasons as a kooky acid trip is just failing to grasp the genius of Lynch’s work and can eat shit.”

With six long months of rewriting ahead of him, Ronny has begun an honest search for a place to eat and sleep for free. Musing on what this experience has taught him, he writes, “If anything is to be learned from my years of soul-crushingly intense and rigorous research, maybe it’s that people who say you can’t write up and binge-watch NOW TV are right.”

“To be fair, though, I should have already picked that up from my undergraduate dissertation: ‘Novel Descriptions of Perception without Awareness and Doctor Who, Also’.”


Article written by Bobby Innes