Plans Revealed To Expand University Accommodation Underground Next Year

Amid reports of problems with the costly new Whitehorn and Powell Halls, the university has announced plans to develop new lower-cost alternative accommodation, such a series of interconnected underground caverns.

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‘We hope to offer students more affordable housing by letting them burrow underground like mole people’, said a representative from Residential Services. He was then able to take us through several high-tech 3D models, explaining how most furniture and en-suite plumbing could be developed using only ‘like, twigs and stuff’.

When Salvator asked if allocation to the different halls would have anything to do with the student’s income, he responded ‘absolutely not’, and then winked a bit too obviously which implied that it probably would. We then asked about the possibility of rain causing floods in underground rooms, he advised that students could simply surface like worms and seek shelter in Tesco Extra, ‘which is never usually that busy’.

‘The only thing is I would be weary of is second years stamping around on the ground like birds, trying to trick you into coming out so they could eat you and steal your room. They’re usually desperate to find somewhere to live and they’ll stop at nothing.’   

Salvator wondered if there was not a better above-ground solution to the accommodation issue, but the representative assured us this was the best possible way forward. ‘What’s the alternative’, he asked. ‘Building halls on the sea, like some crazy floating raft city?’

He laughed at this idea, before stroking his chin and staring into the distance, as if to indicate non-verbally that he was actually considering this.