PhD Student a Fucking Idiot

Tourists, freshers and parents alike have been united in their hatred of the same idiot PhD student who doesn’t know a fucking thing about this town.

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The student (who we won’t name, because you’ve all seen him by now, and just thinking about him annoys us) has been causing havoc and chaos for the past month, attempting to direct people to places he’s never even heard of. “He told me Rector’s was ‘probably out near the East Sands gym, or somewhere’” said one fresher. “I was wandering lost in the rain for hours, and when I finally found it, the friend I was meeting had left. I’m still livid about that.”

Getting caught in the rain is clearly not a problem for this utter dick, who is always dressed entirely in Mountain Warehouse hiking gear (an interesting choice for someone who spends their day sitting on their arse eating crisps indoors). On top of that, additional reports have emerged that his conversation skills are completely terrible. Dan Thomas, a third year chemist, thought he was being kind when he invited the PhD student out for a pint with his coursemates, only to be ground down mercilessly by boredom, like some kind of mythical test of patience.

“All he talked about was work, because that’s all his corrupted-computer-mind can process any more. He has no idea what fun is, or what the traditions are. I asked if he was looking forward to Raisin, and he looked at me like I was wearing a jacket made of cum.”

The Salvator reached out this fucking idiot PhD student in an attempt to understand how he actually survives here knowing as little as he does. “I actually commute in from Dundee" he said. "It’s a lot cheaper that way, and there's more to do.”

Christ, at least he’s only here from nine to five…

 

Article written by Bobby Innes