‘Yeah, I’m a scumbag, so what?’: A dive into the world of paid-for essay-writers

You’ve undeniably seen them, staring you from the Facebook suggestions as you browse St Andrews Crushes looking for your own name. Countless paid-for essay-writing companies who claim to have the answer to all your academic woes.

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But at what cost? There’s the obvious up-front cash payment, of course, but worse even than this – your academic integrity. The very thought of violating your ethical code (and the memory of the hours spent completing TGAP) pulls you back from the edge every time you consider paying for a 2:2 essay to free up your Friday night for staring your reflection down in the 601 toilets, wondering how many Pablos it will take to forget your grades this time.

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But who are the people behind pay-for essays you see plastered all over the internet? Who are the diabolical minds who, in the hope of making some quick cash and causing low-level academic disruption, fill essay submission systems with fraudulent work, like the younger, more introverted sibling of a Bond villain? In an exclusive report, Salvator actually met with with one of the sick freaks behind such a website.

Prior to the interview, the individual in question (who appeared to be under the impression that this would serve as an advertisement for his services) generously shared some examples of his work, which we’ve included in this article. In the interest of anonymity, he insisted that we refer to him only as ‘The Professor’, and was only contactable through his business email, ‘gav1n.ir0ns.genesisfan@aol.com’. When we met with him, he insisted on blindfolding us and taking us to a secret location. However, the illusion was soon interrupted when he insisted we stop by Tesco to pick up a family sized bag of Kettle Chips. 

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Salvator opened the interview by stating that he must read a vast amount himself to be able to masterfully craft these essays, to which ‘The Professor’ modestly responded, “Well, I don’t like to think of myself as a modern Shakespeare, but I also kind of do”. He continued, “Some people might say that the work I do is reductively characterised by society as a criminal enterprise, and that this portrayal ultimately downplays my creative abilities and intellectual capacity, unfairly categorising me in the same area as petty criminals. But £40 is £40, y’know? So I take these comments pretty lightly.”

Salvator enquired as to whether he felt any remorse for cutting short the university careers of undergraduates with his fradulent essays, to which he callously replied, “Well  it really is all really a matter of supply and demand – can I be blamed for filling this gap in the market? I mean, someone would be doing it anyway, right?”

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When asked about his other interests and hobbies, ‘The Professor’ revealed that he actually prefers to distance himself from ‘the masses’ and ‘their problems’ so as not to ‘taint’ his ‘academic sanctuary of creativity’. With only minimal encouragement, ‘The Professor’ talked enthusiastically and at length about his other passion: trawling messenger boards online to find people to thoroughly disagree with, something that he claims helps him unwind from the stress of both writing the essays and fielding lawsuits from students who claim they were scammed by him. When asked to comment on these lawsuits, ‘The Professor’ stated simply that Einstein was misunderstood in his time, and “although I’m not saying I’m like him, it’s hard to ignore the fact that I am”.

It can only be hoped that in future none among the students of St Andrews shall fall prey to these predatory indivudals, or at the very least, that they aren’t stupid enough to get caught. Salvator will be bringing updates on the progress of ‘The Professor’ but cannot disclose any personal information regarding his whereabouts, or his day job working the on the tills at Aldi.

Written by Hamish Duff