My Dad could beat up your Dad: An Open Letter to Kyle

Salvator News would like to take the opportunity to share with readers an opinion piece published by one of our most insistent readers, to whom we definitely do not owe any favours:

In this open letter, kindly printed by Salvator News, I aim to dispel a myth which has become all too common throughout St Andrews University. It has come to my attention that Kyle has been saying that his Dad could beat up my Dad. While I applaud his bravery in coming forward with such a bold claim, it has fallen upon me to address these spurious rumours and say, once and for all, that my Dad could definitely beat up your Dad, Kyle.

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How do I know this? Simple numbers: my Dad is larger than your Dad, he weighs at least ten kilos more and is probably like two inches taller. You might think that this doesn’t represent a huge advantage, but remember that my Dad’s size not only affords him greater strength and reach, but also means he can probably take more hits than your Dad can. Based on this information alone, it should be apparent that there’d be no contest.

There’s more, however. My Dad worked down the docks for over twenty years. I’ve been reliably informed you have to be tough to do that, as they don’t take kindly to wimps down there. Could your Dad work at the docks? Judging by his skinny calves, I doubt it. 

“But” you might say, “My Dad learned a bit of karate while he was at Uni, that’s got to help him out”. While it’s true that karate would undoubtedly help your Dad in a regulated match, the fight I’m proposing is a no-holds-barred brawl, in which both Dads must enter a ring, shirtless and barefoot. The fight would only be finished by knockout, submission, or death. Still confident in that little bit of karate your Dad learned? I thought not.

My Dad is always ready for a fight, whether you approach him during his lunch-break at work, or at my Nan’s 90th birthday party, my Dad can always be relied on to handle himself. Don’t believe me? Just ask my Uncle Darren. Oh wait! You can’t - he’s in a coma! 

On these grounds I propose the following challenge to you: My Dad could take your Dad any day, any time, any place. If you’re confident enough in your Dad’s fighting ability, please do relay the challenge to him. If not you’d better shut your bitch mouth, Kyle.

Salvator News cannot endorse any of the threatening and violent behaviours expressed in this article, but maintain that Kyle’s Dad would probably lose any hypothetical fights mentioned.