Mushrooms are Meat: I Will Not Back Down On This

Mushrooms are a type of meat. They may grow out of the ground but they are a type of fungus, which is way closer to an animal than a plant. I will not back down on this. I have a lot of time on my hands.

Image credit: BBC Good Food 

Image credit: BBC Good Food 

I do not have many strong opinions, but this is one of them. If mushrooms are plants then sponges are also plants. Please note: I am not saying that sponges are or are not plants, necessarily. I am far from an expert. In fact the majority of my knowledge on sponges stems from the popular children's television show: SpongeBoy SquareBritches. Nonetheless, mushrooms definitely are meat.

If you want to argue about this I guarantee I will win. Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from a master debater; I do, however, have an awful lot of time on my hands. At some point you will be forced to leave or go to sleep and I will win. I realise this is a weird hill that I’ve chosen to die on but I intend to do so. I refuse to back down on this.

I have already dedicated too much of my life to this. My wife left me over this obsession, and she took the kids. I’ve lost too much to concede over some Internet commenters. You really might as well give up now.

Mushrooms are meat because fungus can communicate between themselves, much the same way as animals can. I think. Truthfully my knowledge is more than a little fuzzy on the subject, I win most arguments on tenacity and endurance alone.

With this in mind, I will be available to argue about this issue in the comments. Before I do so, however, I would like to set out a few ground rules:

  • I will be able to argue at any time in the day or night provided you message me, tag me in a comment, or tweet me directly. If you do not do so you will need to wait until the next morning for me to commence a thorough internet search in order to find arguments I may have missed.
  • Toadstools are an entirely different can of worms. Don’t bring them up. I’m tired of repeating this.
  • Please don’t dox me. A swat team has already wrecked my living room three times.

Other than that, anything goes: come at me.

PS: please Karen, just come back. Mushrooms are meat, and when I see the kids again, I will tell them the truth.


Article written by Tom Caruth