Moving With The Times: Salvator’s Mascot Cancelled!
Dearest and most valued readers, as of this morning, Salvator News has made the executive decision to release our mascot, Scoopy, from his duties as the head representative of the publication.
We realise this news comes on the heels of many readers requesting his termination as the new mascot for Salvator News. And because we’re a newspaper proud of our patronage to this community, we listened. Rest assured dear readers, Scoopy is hereby officially #cancelled.
When we first introduced Scoopy as the official mascot of Salvator News back in 1995, we didn’t expect his appearance, character, or values to age poorly. Boy, were we wrong. As it turns out, Scoopy managed to offend all underprivileged and underrepresented groups at St Andrews at the same time—and that was already by 1996.
In hindsight, we’re not sure what statement we thought we were making with his thick, muscular calves and classic catchphrase “I sure like being able to walk without assistance!”, but whatever the case, we realise it was the wrong one. That was just one example of his problematic behaviour and co-existence with the individuals in St. Andrews. To the disabled community, along with the two dozen other minority groups we isolated, please accept this apology: our bad.
To offer a counter-point: it’s not easy creating an adorable newspaper-based mascot without making a horrible depiction towards various ethnic and class-based communities. I mean, it is, but c’mon man, we were busy doing other stuff that day.
In any event, Salvator News will continue to do the job it does best without that stupid mascot: provide reliable, unbiased, and world-changing news to the community. Good riddance to Scoopy, and we hope you’ll also forget our attack on endangered wildlife from three years ago while you’re at it.