New Movie Releases: August 2018

If you’re worried about what new movie to spend your hard-loaned cash on, Salvator is here to help you decide. Also, your favourite movie is trash!

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN
Director: Marc Foster

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Ewan McGregor stars as the titular Christopher Robin, old friend of Winnie the Pooh, all grown up and with all of his mental faculties clearly intact. However, as good as McGregor is, the one who really steals the show is the child in the front row who starts sobbing and screaming every time Pooh’s black, dead eyes appear, like two black holes into which the innocence of childhood disappears never to be seen again. Why would you even sit that close to the screen? It just feels like a bad idea on all sides: from the child, who should’ve shut up like any other well-mannered cinema fan; from the mother, who shouldn’t have let her child sit so close to the goddamn screen; and the cinema, which should’ve pretended not to have wanted to play Christopher Robin after all.

Released: 17/8/18   

THE MEG
Director: Jon Turteltaub

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Remember Jaws? The Steven Spielberg movie Jaws? With the big shark? Come on, Jaws! With that poster with the big shark that’s going to eat that swimming lady? Everyone knows Jaws. Not only that, but everyone’s seen Jaws. Such a good movie. I love that bit where that guy goes “You’re gonna need a bigger boat!” because the boat they’re in? It’s probably too small for a shark as big as the one featured in Jaws. Way too small. Some people say Jaws is Steven Spielberg’s best movie; I, myself, would probably say Saving Private Ryan or Schindler’s List edges Jaws out for the best Spielberg flick. Whatever the ranking, all you can be sure of is that Jaws is dope. The Meg’s not, though.

Released: 10/8/18

THE FESTIVAL
Director: Iain Morris

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Joe Thomas, of Inbetweeners fame, stars in this crass comedy about a recently-dumped guy who goes to a music festival to cheer himself up. I want to be honest with you guys right off the bat: I haven’t seen the movie. I’m probably not going to see the movie. But what I do know is that music festivals – or musical festivals as they’re often called – are no more capable of cheering up someone that’s just been dumped than a big neon sign above his bed which spells “YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO STAYS AROUND YOU LONG ENOUGH TO REALISE THAT YOUR INITIAL VEIL OF BITTERNESS AND TOXIC MASCULINITY IS MERELY HIDING A SENSITIVE, PASSIONATE, CARING MAN” and screams at regular intervals, like a cuckoo clock, but even more depressing.

Released: 17/8/18
 

Written by Gabriel Robinson