New Movie Releases: September 2018

If you’re worried about what new movie to spend your hard-loaned cash on, Salvator is here to help you decide. Don’t forget – cinema is dying.

SEARCHING
Director: Aneesh Chaganty

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Everybody’s searching for something. Some people are searching for love. Others – they’re searching for success. Fame. Money. Kidnapped daughters. Happiness. The list goes on. For David Kim in new ‘screenlife’ movie Searching, which takes place entirely on screens, one of these is priority numero uno (it’s the kidnapped daughters one).

But searching for kidnapped daughters isn’t easy, and so Kim must team up with a detective who must constantly remind him that his daughter is actually missing, and not actually at the store, because – Kim, no one goes to the store for that long, okay? She’s been gone days. I mean sure, sometimes you wander around aimlessly for a while, but then either you remember what you need to get, or you just go home, dejected and hungry, destined to eat cardboard again for the third night in a row, but actually this time, does it taste… dare you say, better? You could get used to this, you pronounce aloud to nobody in particular, surrounded by boxes. Who needs a daughter when you have boxes. “Not I,” you mumble, through cardboard-flavoured tears. “Not I”.

Released: 7/9/18   

THE PREDATOR
Director: Shane Black

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Apparently this is the fourth film in the Predator franchise, and I just kind of feel like if he was that good of a Predator, there wouldn’t be much of a franchise. However, it’s always great to see the famous alien back on our screens, probably! I’ve not seen the others.

Really not on board with the viral marketing campaign for this film, though. I found a decapitated head in my Weetabix this morning. It wasn’t even hidden well. The other day, 20th Century Fox sent me blood by post, and it stained my bank statement. Also, my girlfriend told me she was cheating on me with a man named Peter Dartho, an anagram of ‘The Predator’, which I thought was maybe taking it a little too far since I’d already seen the movie, but I guess it made an impact all the same since she won’t return my calls.

Released: 13/9/18

THE NUN
Director: Cori Hardy

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Nuns, like penguins, are black and white, and have frightening teeth. If you need proof, look no further than The Nun, the terrifying new entry in the Conjuring Cinematic Universe, a term I’ve not been paid to use in this review by Warner Bros.

Taking place in 1950s Romania, a woman and a priest must team up with a young Elvis Presley to battle demonic forces using the power of rock ‘n’ roll. You see what happens when you don’t pay me, Warner Bros.? I talk shit about your movie, Warner Bros. This movie was made exclusively by dog abusers. Your money still hasn’t come through, Warner Bros. This movie has no soundtrack but instead a steady beeping throughout like when the dishwasher finishes its cycle. Pay me what we agreed, Warner Bros. We shook on it. This movie has no actual lines, just sharp intakes of breath and people looking nervous. I need to pay my bills, Warner Bros. Don’t see this movie unless you like the stench of death.  

Released: 7/9/18
 

Written by Gabriel Robinson