MEET THE SALVATOR TEAM
JAMES - NEWS HEADLINES
Is that... is that really who I think it is.. Jeremy Paxman?
No! Meet James, the next best journalist we could find whose name begins with J. He works as the Salvator's resident Fake News Editor and weaver of alternative facts.
What's hot off the press today, James?
"News just in: Donald Trump mistaken for melty waxwork and kidnapped by Madame Tussaud."
ANNIE - SPORTS EDITOR
Meet Annie, the most indifferent Sports Editor you will ever encounter. Just look her face. She clearly doesn't give a shit. For years she thought 'breast-stroke' was called 'breath-stroke'. She's completely incompetent and unqualified for this job, but she'll do.
What your favourite thing about sports, Annie?
"I like balls."
TOM - FASHION EDITOR
Tom is highly qualified as Fashion Editor because he is partial to wearing clothes most of the time.
Tom, you've been described by your fans as St Andrews' answer to Vogue Editor, Anna Wintour. Would you agree?
"Indeed. Is it okay if we continue this interview my way? Now I'm fashion editor, I am contractually obliged to speak only in hashtags."
#TOOCOOL4CLOTHES #GUCCI #NIPPLES #BORNTHISWAY #IWOKEUPLIKEDIS
VALENTINE - SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
St Valentine - patron saint of lovers, half-arsed dinners and petrol station bouquets. Our Valentine, who follows in the footsteps of her namesake, is truly versed in the poetics of the heart. Forget Tinder, Match.com and the rest - in all matters of eroticism, hedonism, and 21st century amour, Val's ya gal.
Valentine, what's your best cheesy chat-up line?
"Hey, lover boy. Did you fall from heaven, because do you want a blow-job?"
LIAM - FOREIGN AFFAIRS
Liam's talent for being not near things makes him the best Foreign Affairs Editor on the planet.
Liam, why did you decide to write for the Salvator?
"Мы не привыкать любить. Вы знаете правила и я также знаю их. Полная приверженность то, что я имею в виду. Вы бы не получить это от любого другого человека. Я просто хочу сказать вам, мои чувства, вы должны понять. Я никогда не даст вам, я никогда не подведет, я никогда не убежит или отказаться от вас. Я никогда не заставят тебя плакать, я никогда не буду говорить до свидания. Я никогда не буду лгать вам или повредить ваши чувства."
Arts & Culture Intern
def - uh - nish - un
// POETRY // COLLAGE // WORDS // THINGS // COLOURS // BOHEMIA // PRITT STICK // FREE LOVE // MUSIC // OTHER THINGS // PAPIER MÂCHÉ // ALAIN DE BOTTON // MORE THINGS // READ // THEATRE // PICTURES // THAT'S ALL THE THINGS //
JONATHAN - FINANCE EDITOR
Jonathan goes by many names. J-Hew, Miss Money-Penny, Dow Jones, that bloke from The Wolf of Wall Street.... the list goes on.
Unlike many bankers and financiers Jonathan is, somewhat controversially, not consumed by evil. When not dedicating his time to philanthropic causes and editing his podcast for the Financial Times, Jonathan blows off steam browsing through 'Sassy Socialist Memes' on Facebook, indulging in a chuckle, and then promptly getting to work planning the imminent revolution of the oppressed industrial Proletariat. Fun guy.
I'm not completely sure what's happening here, but looks a bit like Valentine has been consumed by her all encompassing wanton passion for our News Editor. Classic.
We'll let you have some privacy...
Editor's note - In all seriousness, if you would like to write for the Salvator or think you're even vaguely funny, please email firstname.lastname@example.org to get in touch.