July Horoscopes

Worried about the month ahead? Fear not, our expert astrologers have meticulously scoured the stars to discover what is in store for you in the coming weeks. 

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Aries

You will encounter a lamp that reminds you of your mother. Take note of the colour - it is a warning in disguise. Your lucky kitchen appliance is a rice cooker.

Taurus

Travelling could be beneficial for you this month, but make sure you know what you are running away from. Otherwise, how can you avoid it? Your lucky kitchen appliance is a hand held blender.

Gemini

Your duplicitous nature may get you into some trouble with supermarket self-checkout machines. It is for the best if you phase socks out of your life. Your lucky kitchen appliance is a toaster.

Cancer

It is important not to get overly attached to that which can never be permanent. While peach-coloured objects look soothing, they will ultimately lead to more distress and should be avoided. Your lucky kitchen appliance is a vegetable steamer.

Leo

Stop seeking sympathy for problems you have created yourself. Comfort can be found in solitude, and also in vast quantities of Pringles. Your lucky kitchen appliance is an egg timer - like you, overall objectively useless.

Virgo

A man with an umbrella is leading you somewhere, even if he doesn’t know it. Take time to consider what is really important to you and invest in some proper pillows. Your lucky kitchen appliance is a coffee machine.

Libra

It is absolutely vital that you surround yourself with texturally pleasing items. An ancient curse may be awakened in the sediment of your incredibly niche IPA. Your lucky kitchen appliance is an electric mixer.

Scorpio

Beware of your own absent-mindedness - you scatter your possessions in your wake like a trail of breadcrumbs. A vociferous man will appear to you but he will not have anything of value to say. Your lucky kitchen appliance is a kettle.

Sagittarius

Take pleasure in small achievements, such as successfully opening a difficult window. The smell of suncream does not bode well for you. Your lucky kitchen appliance is a deep fat fryer.

Capricorn

If you stay alert, who knows what you might see? You’ve already missed several significant concepts revealed to you in soup cans, so start paying attention. Your lucky kitchen appliance is a slow cooker.

Aquarius

Reach out to someone from the past. Not your past, but the distant past - it may be necessary to conduct a seance. Your lucky kitchen appliance is a George Foreman grill - any other brand is not as good.

Pisces

Focus is important this month. Overly fringed items are best avoided, but really, that is true at any time and for anyone. Your lucky kitchen appliance is a panini press.