Worried about the month ahead? Fear not, our expert astrologers have meticulously scoured the stars to discover what is in store for you in the coming weeks.
It would be prudent to sign up for as many loyalty cards as possible this month. You will be easier to find but harder to erase – the perfect combination. Your lucky television theme is Emmerdale.
Organise your life like a supermarket organises its shelves – always dustier than expected but still pretty neat. The smell of strawberries is a warning. Your lucky television theme is The Weakest Link.
Spend some time appreciating the true beauty of Starbucks décor. Focus less on hearing what is really said and more on hearing what you want to hear – it makes you happier anyway, right? Your lucky television theme is Gavin and Stacey.
You will find allies in places you would least expect to. However, don’t trust men. Be cautious around yellow cars and green motorbikes. Your lucky television theme is Take Me Out.
There is little good news for you this month – at best you will only ruin things for yourself, but more likely you will bring untold destruction to those around you too. It would really be wisest if you just stayed inside on your own for the entire month. Worst of all, your lucky television theme is Mrs Brown’s Boys, so even that cannot bring you comfort or joy.
Be careful around office furniture – it may be hazardous to you in more ways than one. On the bright side, who doesn’t love a potential work injury claim? Your lucky television theme is, appropriately, The Office (US).
You will see your true self reflected in a busker’s sunglasses. Unfortunately, you will not recognise this as you will be too distracted by the fact that he is playing a recorder cover of Lithium by Nirvana, which is somehow better than the original. Your lucky television theme is Bargain Hunt.
You will fall in love with a woman in a jumpsuit. You will never see her face, but that doesn’t matter. The colour maroon will prove significant. Your lucky television theme is Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
What you’re doing may seem like a waste of time, and the truth is, it is a waste of time. However, there isn’t really anything else you could be doing, so keep going, I guess? Your lucky television theme is The Great British Bake Off.
Ensure your shoes are well-polished at all times. Wear suncream even on overcast days. This may seem less like a horoscope and more like practical advice, but frankly, it’s advice you need to hear. Your lucky television theme is Pretty Little Liars.
Refrigerated foods bode well for you this month. An episode of Worst Cooks in America could provide the guidance you have been seeking. Your lucky television theme is A Place in the Sun: Home or Away?
It is important not to let album artwork dictate your all of choices – don’t get trapped in a prison of your own making. Spend less time reading poetry and focus on what is of true value – Wikipedia articles of films you’ll never see. Your lucky television theme is Supermarket Sweep.