If St Andrews has the highest Student Satisfaction Rate, why do I have all these bees in my car?!

Anyone will tell you St Andrews is a wonderful place: an idyllic town on the Fife coast with many fantastic pubs, shops and restaurants. The university is also world-renowned, with unrivalled graduate opportunities and intellectually stimulating courses. It’s unsurprising therefore that it has the highest student satisfaction rate of any uni in the whole of the UK.

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But all this is no good to me, because my car is filled with bees!


I don’t know how these bees got in there; maybe they themselves chose to home in on my car, or perhaps I’m the target of some elaborate practical joke. At this point the reason is pretty much irrelevant, as whenever I attempt to drive anywhere, my windscreen is almost completely blacked out by a swarm of irate bees. I’ve tried everything to clear them out: smoke, baiting them with honey, even (and I’m not proud to say this) hiring an exterminator. All to no avail!

I really have no idea where the bees could be coming from, or how they’re feeding. There doesn’t even seem to be a beehive nearby, but if anything their numbers seem to be growing. Every time I think they’ve gone, they reappear from their hiding place behind the headrest even angrier than before.

In a survey of students in 2017, the NSS found people praised the good organisation and effective communication shown by the university. I wish someone would tell these bees about that! The only communication they seem to understand is bug spray, and I don’t want to do that. I care about the environment, and actually quite like bees when they’re not in my car.

The survey also praised the increased opportunities for students to give feedback to staff. Here’s a piece of feedback for you: no members of the biology department were able to help me in the slightest with my bee dilemma, despite my constant emails. It seems there’s one rule for academic matters and quite another for a car full of bees!

In short, St Andrews may have high student satisfaction for those lucky students who aren’t plagued with a ferocious queen bee with an army of drones at her disposal. If the NSS had surveyed me instead of these bee-lacking sycophants, maybe the survey could have more accurately represented the student satisfaction level across the whole university.


Article written by Tom Caruth