Harrowing: Broke Student Spent Entire Independent Learning Week in the Library

Salvator is able to exclusively report on the shocking story of a student who stayed in town for the full duration of the holiday known as ‘Independent Learning Week’.

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Friends of the student, (referred to only as ‘X’ out of respect for their condition), first became concerned when X failed to update their Instagram story following Raisin Monday. After recovering from completion of the annual festivities, worried friends noticed that X had posted neither a picture of their dog nor a classic ‘plane wing shot’.

The student’s international companions immediately contacted X to find out why they had not embarked on a European minibreak. Apparently, X cited a semester of overpriced events and too many expensive Pablos as their main reason for staying, adding that ‘unfortunately, I also seem to have an unprecedented amount of studying to complete before term recommences, so I’ve made the decision to stay in St Andrews for the week.’

Friends and casual acquaintances alike were naturally aghast, but were quick to remind X that last minute flights were still available and that they too understood the need for budget constraints – having blown through so much of their allowance on Supreme t-shirts, they were only going to visit one Michelin starred restaurant while in Paris, so X had no need to worry about overly extravagant pursuits. According to one anonymous source, X claimed that the trip would still be too expensive for them and simply wished them a good time. After reassuring them that they would still like any Instagram uploads of French pastries, and agreeing that a Louis Vuitton purse would indeed make a fitting memento of the trip, X seemingly returned to their ‘studies’.  

X was also contacted by friends from London, that expansive metropolis that encompasses Surrey, Kent, Berkshire, Buckinghamshire, Hertfordshire and Essex. Why was X not reunited with their dog, they asked, with appropriate alarm. Had they merely forgotten to post pictures from their hack and were they around for drinks at Sketch on Thursday? X proceeded to inform them that they were still in St Andrews and would likely spend Thursday at the library drinking acrid £1 coffee and getting a head start on their Social Anthropology essay due in Week 9. 

Salvator has reached out to X, but has not managed to get in touch with them, presumably due to their attempts to recover from what can only have been a challenging and traumatic week. We can reassure readers, however, that according to our sources X has been reunited with friends and is planning to pay £30 to celebrate Halloween on Wednesday. 

Written by Audrey McBride