In no particular order, our expert analysis of the student halls of residence. If any questions that you have are not answered, click here to check out the University's accommodation page. It's actually quite useful.
Editor's Note: Update- The author forgot to include Albany Park in his original article. I have sacked him, and afterwards I roughly sacked myself in my office.
St Salvator’s Hall
Arguably the most beautiful hall of residence, Sallie’s is a vast ancient building full of oak panels, red trousers, powdered sugar substitute, and gap year banter (which are mostly lies. Never believe a story told by a man named Rufus who went to public school). It is conveniently close to the castle, Castle Sands, and the archaic and drafty music center. Fortunately most people who live in Sallies’ are archaic and drafty, so it works out well. I reckon it’s named after an old dead Christian bloke, so bigotry is to be expected from the residents. All that being said, the rich meanies are really just a very vocal minority. I have known many a kind, grounded resident of St Salvator’s. If you are one such person the responsibility falls to you to save the good name of the hall. Don’t let the champagne swilling snobs spoil it. Rise up! Revolution calls! (Editor’s Note: Salvator News would like to mention that we have no affiliation with St Salvator’s Hall. We just share part of our name. Also we do not endorse any revolution. Know your place).
Andrew Melville Hall
It’s supposed to look like ships. It actually looks like a blind Soviet architect ejaculated concrete after a particularly sad wank. But if you like Brutalism, cheap rent, and your classes are on the North Haugh (they will be in first year), Melville is alright. The community is reportedly excellent, and they give you lots of free booze to forget that you live in a building used as a set in a dystopian film about clone organ harvesting. Also, there are little hills around with rabbits, so it looks like the place where the Teletubbies live. Does that make it creepier? Nah.
St Regulus Hall
No idea. I’ve never been or met anyone who lived there. I think it’s near St Mary’s Quad? They’re probably too busy getting excellent marks and hosting art installations to swan about in the Union on a Tuesday afternoon like some people.
A lot of really lovely people have lived here, but it still gives me the creeps. Looking like a knock off version of that really posh place in Bath, Macintosh is generally full of well-meaning English people and Americans. All of the Americans are of course studying International Relations and expect to be the next president, so you won’t get much sleep. Americans cannot drink properly or control their volume, so the sound of freedom (i.e. loud shouting about American exceptionalism and how “we saved your asses in World War Two!”) will gaily ring through the halls at 3am daily. Macintosh Hall is situated at the end of Hope Street, which evidently is where Wills lived when he was at Uni. If St Andrews was London (it isn’t, sorry to disappoint), Hope Street would be our Kensington (which it isn't). At least that’s what people who live there think. On the plus side, it’s close to the Union, and a very short walk to West Sands if you ever feel led to recreate that scene in Chariots of Fire.
John Burnett Hall
A harbor in the storm. An ever present help in time of need. The frosty pint at the end of a hard day. John Burnett is the kindest, friendliest, and unabashedly best hall of residence available to the humble fresher. Named after a Swedish physician and inventor of the modern bassoon, Johannes Burnett, the ex-hotel gazes seaward over the Old Course with the pomp and majesty of a ship of the line. Also, much like an 18th century naval vessel, it is inhabited by a surly gang of alcoholic roughs. Good luck chums. The hall is located at the far end of North Street, so it’s only a minor stroll into town or to West Sands for a bracing morning dip in the sea. People do actually do that. Well, sociopaths do that.
They’re a load of scummy bastards and they’ll likely rot in hell. University Hall is the sworn enemy of John Burnett, which means a lot to the Athollites, but as far as I’m aware Uni Hall doesn’t give a damn. But that’s fine. The bit that everyone wants to live in looks like a castle, but everyone is actually going to live in the bit that looks like a set rejected from the Omen because “it was a bit too creepy”. To be fair, I’ve only been once and that was on a half-hearted wing manning mission. But I got serious haunted hospital vibes, so take it as you will. Uni Hall is super close to the Sport Centre, so you’ll have no excuse not to keep fit, and it gives you the chance to sleep in for an additional five minutes if your exams are held there. Which they probably will be. It probably has the most desirable location of any hall other than Macintosh. Very close to the North Haugh, a short walk to town, and off of the major roads so you won’t have to hear traffic noise or late night revelers. If it wasn’t evil and potentially haunted by a tiny demon child it would be a great place to live. I’m not biased. (Editor’s Note: The author is very biased. University Hall is a lovely place to live. The author has had a stern talking to, and apologises to any former and current residents he may have offended).
David Russell Apartments
Get a bike. Or a car. Or gather some investors from St Salvator’s and build a light rail service. Otherwise you’ll spend six hours a day walking to and from your flat. Which is acceptable on the way out, but the long walk back down the path to DRA with a cold portion of chips in your hand and a half gallon of vodka in your gut at the end of fresher’s week is definitely a one star experience. If you can stomach the hellish commute, DRA is actually quite nice. Since it is so remote there are plentiful amenities and you get to live in an actual flat set up with five of your closest strangers, so you feel proper adulty. Also it’s quite near to the Sport Centre, so you can feel even guiltier about not going.
Agnes Blackadder Hall
Like Andrew Melville, ABH is located right on the North Haugh, so you’ll have absolutely no excuse to walk into your 10am lecture 20 minutes late. But that doesn’t mean you won’t. ABH is close enough to town for its residents to make it out for a night at the Union, but far enough away for them to spend the second half the night complaining about how long their walk is going to be home. Avoid complaining to people at DRA. They’ll probably murder you in a fit of rage. As far as I’m aware, all of the rooms in Agnes Blackadder are single en suites, which is pretty dope, but make sure you put some effort into making friends on your hallway. That place is like a labyrinth of loneliness. Be brave. Knock on doors. The weirdo next door could be your next bff. Or maybe not. Worth a chance though!
I forgot about Albany Park. The people’s hall. The socialist utopia. The accommodation equivalent of Wales. Albany Park is remote, often overlooked, spectacular value for money, and they speak their own unintelligible language. Albany Park is a bizarre gnome village perched on the edge of town, right beside East Sands. If you write a shitty article about the halls and you forget them, which you probably will because Albany Park an imaginary fairy kingdom, then they’ll call you out on it immediately. And publicly. You will be ashamed, and they won’t care. They’ll just go on with their cruel jibes, cutting you down and throwing your bloated corpse into the sea, which is conveniently close to their front doors. Try to make friends with at least one Albany Parker. Their satirical magazines are disappointing, but you’ll want them on your side on the 1st of May after May Dip when you’re cold, wet, and naked on the beach. They are a very tight knit community because they’re out of town a ways, and they always do an excellent showing at Clan Warfare and Hall Sport.
I am sorry Albany Park. Please forgive me.