Ghost of Patrick Hamilton Leaving St Andrews, Cites Rising Cost of Living

Patrick Hamilton, one of St Andrews’ oldest inhabitants, today announced that he would be leaving town in search of a more affordable home base. Hamilton, who has lived in the East Neuk of Fife since his involuntary immolation in 1528, has found the rising cost of living in St Andrews too much after 490 years of residence. 

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When interviewed, Hamilton had this to say: 

‘It’s absolutely ridiculous. 700 pounds for a one-bedroom flat on North Street? I remember when rent was three crowns a month, and I thought that was expensive. I can’t believe I’m saying this because he literally had me burnt to death, but I think we need to go back to the way things were under Cardinal Beaton.’ 

Rent has been steadily increasing in St Andrews since the 16th century, and is showing no signs of stopping. Hamilton has seen the town change in that time. 

‘It’s just not the same, and the refurb of the Whey Pat was kind of the last straw. It’s really difficult to haunt a pub with Edison bulbs and reclaimed wood all over the walls. I would have haunted a new pool at the sports centre, but they built tennis courts for some reason.’ 

‘I really appreciate everyone making the effort to not step on my initials, that’s great. Unfortunately, though, that doesn’t pay the bills, and it’s just not enough to keep me here anymore. I would try and find some flatmates, but HMO laws apply to dead people as well, so it’s difficult to find a place.’

Hamilton joins a growing list of notable locals upping sticks for cheaper pastures – the ghost of the White Lady vacated the Cathedral earlier this year, and has reportedly settled in Pittenweem. Hamilton himself has yet to announce where he will be moving to, but has said that he would consider commuting from Guardbridge, and that he has also recently received an offer to star in a musical about his life entitled Hamilton.

 Written by Alexander Cohen