Introduction (Freshers’ Week 2018)

From the Editor’s Office. Dictated but not read.

Ahh, I remember my Freshers’ Week... 

That shit sucked. What was I thinking? I didn’t even have a beard.

But that was all so many years and so many bad decisions ago. In fact, because of the sheer amount of fuck-ups from my own undergrad, I’ve officially disowned myself before the age of 21, so you can legally consider me five years old. A pretty impressive age to be running a whole magazine, I hope you’ll agree...

Anyway, down to business. Welcome to Salvator, from me: The Editor of Salvator. My job over the next year is to bring you the finest news, views and features possible, whether you ignore them or not. This is of course no trivial task. It involves both reading and revising (i.e. putting in more swears) all of the articles submitted by you, our necessary readers. That’s not to mention churning out many of the regular features that keep this boat afloat, which I do according to my special Big-Shot Editor routine: dictating alone in the dark with nothing but a glass full of scotch, a mouth full of cigarettes, and an itch for The Scoop that needs scratchin’. In many cases, these pieces end up too ground-breaking, and I have to take several swears out.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. You probably consider me a little too young to be in charge of such a prestigious and trusted publication. Of course, I’d be the first to admit that this year won’t be without challenges. For one, I don’t know anything about any of St. Andrews or its students. I’ve not been to David Russell’s apartment. Never even met him, or Pablo. But I’ll be damned if I’m not going to learn every time-honoured tradition this place has, and call each of them stupid, over a series of these misguided, self-promoting columns. On top of that, I’ve got the best made-up new team in the Bizz behind me every step of the way; you can even sign up too, and join us as we squeeze this town for news juice. So go ahead and laugh at Salvator if you must, but I know this is going to be a year to remember, and I can’t wait to make journalism history with all of you.  

Now get out of my office, I have to Google what ‘bop’ is.