BREAKING NEWS: Deliveroo Rider Keels Over From Exhaustion Due To Hundreds Of Valentine’s Couples With Low Standards
Evan Phillips, a St Andrews Deliveroo rider has succumbed to exhaustion earlier this afternoon due to a staggering rise of the number of couples staying in and ordering takeout, rather than going out this February 14th. Our sources report an overwhelming influx of orders of Italian food takeaways because of more and more couples opting out of the traditional Valentines date. May would prefer not spending something short of a student loan on reserving a table at one of St Andrews top culinary establishments, in favour of ‘just having a low-key evening with bae’ accompanied by hefty portions of comfort food. This massive surge in demand of cheapish takeout food is currently being named as the primary factor contributing to Mr Phillip’s condition.
We interviewed one St Andrews’ couple regarding their ‘night-in’ Valentines Day plans; Sarah and Zack.
Zack reported that Sarah and him were not like other ‘high maintenance’ couples and were content with just enjoying each-other’s company on the couch while watching Netflix.
Sarah, however, seemed less than enthused at the prospect, bemoaning “I want him to take me somewhere like The Adamson or Hotel du Vin. Really, I don’t care - I’ll go dutch, I just want to have a nice meal over a bottle of wine. This isn't college anymore; I’m done giving him half-hearted head while Breaking Bad plays in the background. And I swear to God, if he brings out that Echo Falls bullshit again, I’m downloading Tinder again.”
As a community, St Andrews needs to take precautions this Valentine’s Day to prevent further casualties. Due to overwhelming demand and a depleted workforce, Deliveroo executives have released a statement saying they cannot guarantee great service this Valentine’s day. They have recommended cashing in on M&S's attractively priced ‘Feed 2 for tenner’ deal, so at least if you serve the food on a fancy plate and scatter around a couple Ikea tealights, you can pretend you and your significant other have made an effort and gone out.
However, whilst Deliveroo seem to be faltering at the first hurdle, another one of St Andrews most valuable delivery services seems to be picking up the slack – of course, Domino’s pizza. With seemingly fortuitous luck, Valentine’s day this year falls on a Tuesday, being the optimum chance for many lazy couples to take advantage of a cheeky ‘Two for Tuesdays’. It would appear Domino’s may win this year’s Valentine’s hunger games.
N.B: The Adamson in no way sponsored this article, but totally should have. We at Salvator News readily accept (and deserve) compensation for our endorsement. We are more than willing to accept meal vouchers. Please and thank you.