In a move that has left many St Andrews students shocked and devastated, Oliver Cromwell has cancelled The Mermaids Christmas Ball.
"Christmas Ball is a Popish celebration with absolutely no biblical justification", a Parliamentarian spokesperson told Salvator. " Although we were initially delighted at the committee's attempts to make acquiring a ticket to this debauched and vulgar event as purgatorial as possible, it soon became clear that this was not a trend they would continue."
An official proclamation from Cromwell cited "alcohol", "dancing", and "fun", as reasons behind shutting the event down. Strict observance of the Lord's Day will instead be enforced, with all ticket-holders being made to attend a seven hour sermon on the value of humility and the dangers of giving liberty to carnal and sensual delights.
"Those who sold their tickets for profit" the proclamation continued "will be burned at the stake over a pile of their own money."
President of Mermaids, Joanna Bowman, and the ball's Convenor, Ali Saldanha, have been arrested on suspicion of high treason and are awaiting trial in London.
More on this story as it unfolds.