BREAKING NEWS:

CELEBRITY DEATHS IRRELEVANT NOW 2016 IS OVER

 

2016 was infamous for many reasons: the UK collectively being fooled by a big red bus, the rise of professional wrestler Donald ‘The Executive’ Trump to clinch the USA title belt by defeating Rowdy Roddy Clinton after ‘The Rock’ Obama vacated the championship; and, of course, the inconvenient organisation of Heaven’s Variety Show. Yes, I am referring to the tragic passing of many celebrities during the last 12 months.

Here we stand in 2017 and seemingly, at least according to the media, celebrity deaths have ceased to be a thing or at the very least cease to matter. Indeed, sources suggest that Facebook posts on the subject of celebrity deaths have declined by an astounding 40% - a truly remarkable statistic on the give-a-shit scale. Unsurprisingly ‘Posting about celebrity deaths on social media’ has already slumped on Vogue’s ‘What’s hot and what’s not in 2017’ rankings.

96 
  
    
  
 Normal 
 0 
 
 
 
 
 false 
 false 
 false 
 
 EN-GB 
 X-NONE 
 X-NONE 
 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 
 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
   
 
 /* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
	{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
	mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
	mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
	mso-style-noshow:yes;
	mso-style-priority:99;
	mso-style-parent:"";
	mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
	mso-para-margin:0in;
	mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
	mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
	font-size:12.0pt;
	font-family:Calibri;
	mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
	mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
	mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
	mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
	mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}
 
   A Sergeant Pepper style collage of some of the notable celebrities who died in 2016. If you are a celebrity who happens to die in 2017, unfortunately nobody will care and you will have to make your own commemorative artwork in advance of your death. 

A Sergeant Pepper style collage of some of the notable celebrities who died in 2016. If you are a celebrity who happens to die in 2017, unfortunately nobody will care and you will have to make your own commemorative artwork in advance of your death. 

This year’s list didn’t quite start with the bang of Bowie’s passing, although some consider Gordan Kaye a national treasure. January 2017 has already claimed notable faces such as comedian Mary Tyler-Moore, actor John Hurt, singer-songwriter Peter Sarstedt and the English art critic, novelist and poet, John Berger. However, unlike previous celebrity deaths, there has been a notable decline in half-arsed dedications on Facebook and other Social Media platforms. The Salvator interviewed one prolific Facebook user to see why they seemingly give less of shit about celebrity deaths in the New Year, and have been reluctant to mourn any of these celebrities publicly, unlike they consistently did in 2016.

Interviewee: “Well to be honest, is it really that sad if they didn’t die in 2016? I mean you can’t get as much sympathy with a post captioned ‘Ah not again, could 2017 get any worse?’ It doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as 2016 did, and I can’t risk getting fewer than 20 likes or that’s social media suicide.”

Salvator: “But, be honest, did you actually have any idea who half the celebrities were you were posting about, or were you just jumping on the bandwagon of 2016 hysteria?”

I: “Woah, that’s a bit insensitive. Of course I did. Show some goddamn respect.”

S: “Yeah but people die every year, in many circumstances such as wars on terror, famine, asides all these celebrities. Why don’t you post about them every day of every year? For example, you tweeted a tribute about Leonard Cohen. How were you personally affected by their passing?”

I: “Oh yeah I remember where I was when he died. I happened to be on the toilet scrolling through Twitter when I saw it by chance. So sad, so tragic...”

S: “What was your favourite song by him?”

I: “Oh, naturally that one that girl from X-Factor did. I actually haven’t heard his version, but I really liked hers. Oh and I also knew his work from the Shrek soundtrack – so moving.”

S: “You mean Hallelujah? Literally everyone knows that song ... and you don’t even know the original! You don’t really know who he was, do you?”

I: “Well, no, but I asked Siri who he was and had a quick google shortly after the announcement of his death, so I basically felt like I knew him on a personal level.”

S: “See, that’s my point. You can’t possibly have been personally affected by their loss because you didn’t even fucking know who they were! Isn’t that a bit hypocritical to post a meaningless status about them? Why did you do it?”

I: “’Cause, 2016 man. 20-fucking-16.”

Some of the moving tributes posted in honour of adored celebrities, such as Leonard Cohen.

Some of the moving tributes posted in honour of adored celebrities, such as Leonard Cohen.

In light of these new statistics concerning celebrity death posts, the makers behind the reality show ‘Planet Earth Dies’ have come under fire.  Fans blame the poor performance of celebrity deaths so far on 2016’s executive producers blowing the entire budget for the next decade on one single year. However, the show hopes to reclaim top ratings with a few cheap wildcard deaths, which will hopefully make viewers exclaim ‘I didn’t know I liked them or that they even existed until they’d gone. R.I.P ,’ and ‘I didn’t know they were still alive! What a shame! Give us a break, 2017!’