1. You are the sharply dressed businessman of student land. You make lucrative deals with other students and often finish essays many days before the deadline. You shake hands with people of all races and smile as if to say “We are multicultural business friends.”
2. Your friends are diverse go-getters. Lions on the Serengeti of Academia if you will. Most of you opt for a smart blue shirt, black trousers combo. Your red folder expresses self-assurance. Your smiles aim to undermine the confidence of your student adversaries.
3. Problems. You have so many problems. But you can always solve them by looking at your laptop with all your friends. Look at you, you confident business genius. You’re saying “We can solve our student problems by looking at this laptop.”
4. You party as hard as you work. After you get out of your tutorials you all go out on the town, wowing everyone with your smart business casual attire and whimsical group poses. You down Pablos in the Union bar and then proclaim loudly to the world that you work hard and thus, play harder.
5. Academia, like business, is a competition and you are determined to win. You’re not afraid to straddle your fellow students, and become the best. You leapfrog above all of them, like Mr Ginger Business here. He smiles because he knows that nobody can defeat him.
6. You love networking with your peers. You all press your hands together awkwardly for 5-10 minutes and chant “networking, networking, networking”. After this, you can all communicate telepathically in the language of the students, just like your forefathers before you.
7. Helicopters are important to you. You study in order to one day be close to one and touch its cold metal exterior. The helicopters beckon to the land of the students: “Come to us, we are the cold metal birds of the sky”.
8. You are always looking up with your fellow students to spot helicopters. One day, not long from now, the helicopters will come to you and embrace you as one of their own. At that precise moment, you will then know all of your networking and studying will have been worth it.
9. In the land of the helicopters you will exist on a white plane where nothing exists but you and your fellow students standing back to back. You make deals to pass the time before the helicopters return and bring with them all the joy of your existence. There you are at the front, celebrating this fact.
10. Who has an unusually long torso and is a master of student business? You.