British Students Call For Ban On Awkward Social Interaction
Flinching with embarrassment, the St Andrews’ university society for the ‘Socially Terrified British’ announced this week that they will be introducing an official ban on all personal confrontation during the winter season.
An incredibly passive press release from the university’s poorly socialised Brits gave vague confirmation that they would be launching a multi-stage initiative to avoid any possible awkwardness this winter. Measures include inserting “sorry” into all sentences, always waiting for permission from the cashier to leave after paying for something with the exact change, and, of course, smiling weakly at any local lunatic, or American, who attempts to engage them in small talk.
“The winter tends to send us into places that involve human interaction, like restaurants and other places indoors”, said the visibly uncomfortable society president, Edward Linton, addressing the media from an unnecessarily long queue in Boots. “Our new initiative aims to make it clear that we will not be challenging any decisions made by any other people, especially those in the service industry. I’m a vegetarian, for example, but if I’m served meat, I will mumble ‘sorry’ into my food and force the whole thing down, sweating. Sorry.”
Fellow cringer Mark Glen agreed with the sentiment. “I recently burned the skin off of half my arm in the Regs kitchen, but I told everyone that it was ‘nothing, really’, and walked the 25 minutes to the Community Hospital.” Staring at the floor in anguish, Glen added, “I just didn’t want to inconvenience anyone – I actually got a few people some stuff they needed from Morrisons on the way back, seeing as I was out that way.”
Unwilling – or unable – to make eye contact, Linton confirmed the society’s intention to maintain this policy throughout the entire winter season. “Maybe when we get to summer, we’ll consider making comments about the weather, or even smiling when we see someone we know. The heat does tend to addle.”
However, in a shocking turn of events, Salvator can confirm that two members of the society committee were spotted in the Union Café this Wednesday engaged in a heated debate about the correct pronunciation of the word ‘scone’.
Written by Emma Sibbald