BREAKING NEWS: ARTS STUDENTS UNEMPLOYABLE

Last night as a result of an uncontested debate in the Student Union by an unnamed science student, it was decreed that Arts students were no longer, nor seemingly have ever been, employable in any way, shape or form. This came as a great shock to a large number of the university teaching staff who suddenly found themselves unemployed; forced to idly read Plato and Chaucer whilst they picked their collective arse, their finest Harris Tweed miserably soaking in the gutter. (No change there then)

When asked to elaborate on this statement, the scientist in question offered the following wholly convincing arguments: 

“What do they even do all day?”

“Science is the only thing and EVERYTHING – did you not hear me the first 100 times?”

“I don’t even like essays, so...”

This decree has sent shockwaves beyond the Bubble where a number of world leaders have had to abandon their posts, subsequently leading to international political instability. Just this week, Youtube has been shut down amid a scandal because their CEO mistakenly thought she could go to Harvard and ‘only’ learn Literature and History.

In the light of this decree, the validity of Barack Obama’s presidency is once again being questioned by professional oaf Donald Trump in scenes reminiscent of the Birther movement. As of yet, the Salvator can report no decision has yet been reached as a tribunal sits in heated discussion over just how scientific Obama's ‘political science’ degree really is.

But what about those who do not attend University? How will this affect them? When questioned on this matter, the aforementioned science student suggested that “All will be fine. We will just have robots to replace them soon enough.”

More to follow.