Entire American Educational System To Be Replaced By Christian Union Lunch Bars

The Salvator is able to report that recently appointed Betsy Devos has already announced her first major move, set to affect the education of thousands of young Americans. In keeping with her intention to “advance God’s Kingdom” through the education system, she has declared that from henceforth every lesson in all public schools will be replaced with one of those Christian Union Lunch Bars popularised in the East Fife town of St Andrews.

Issues have been raised with this plan, including the practical problems with cramming the 50 million public school students currently studying in the US into the one big fuckoff marquee on that patch of grass outside the library. In addition, the surgeon general has suggested that every child in America having a school lunch consisting entirely of sandwiches, Kettle Chips and Tesco doughnuts could negatively impact the health of a nation already in the midst of an obesity epidemic.

Devos has not expressed concerns over her plans though, and instead remains remarkably unphased. On numerous occasions she has expressed support of the St Andrews’ Christian Union’s organisational skills:

“These young students have proven themselves to be very experienced at engaging a crowd, and I’m sure they are all eager to be put to the test further. I can’t wait to see how they handle it.”

Local CU member, Mary O’Nazareth, unfortunately seemed to disagree:

“It’s not that we’re not excited about the opportunity to put on more of these events but frankly they’ve sprung this on us, I just don’t know if we have enough sandwiches for 50 million American schoolchildren. It’s like the feeding of the five thousand, except Jesus isn’t actually here and I bet even he would struggle to deal with this bollocks. What I wouldn’t give for five loaves and two fish right about fucking now, the closest we have are some tuna mayonnaise sandwiches! If we disappoint, we’ll never be able to regain our reputation for providing the best free lunches in town.”

Donald Trump has praised Devos’ plan as “yugely [sic] beneficial for the failing American public school system,” and ascertained that it was steps such as this that would put the country ahead of places like “Jyna [sic] and the Middle East” in terms of public education.