Barron Theatre To Be Renamed Following US Election
They say that the beat of a butterfly’s wings can cause the mighty force of the tsunami wave – and believe me dear reader, that wave is HUGE and is heading right for CHYNA. The recent exercise in mass masochism across the pond has caused ripples in the proverbial backwater of St. Andrews, the 51st State. Alas! Whilst our dear Americans are valiantly defending their civil rights and trying to prevent the Earth from going up in a ball of flames, St Andrews’ precious Barron Theatre is facing urgent rebranding.
In an understandable attempt to distance themselves from the Trump administration, the iconic Barron Theatre of North Street is seeking a new name. Why? Ask yourself dear reader what the answer is to the question: which 10-year-old is somehow the spitting image of the world’s most powerful 70-year-old petulant man baby? Indeed! The answer is of course Barron Trump, whose sense of entitlement and ego is so large he presumably thinks his first name is his societal title.
So what do we know about America’s newest first son? Like most elementary schoolers, Barron reportedly enjoys playing with "cars and helicopters”. According to First Lady Melania Trump, her son is extremely tidy unlike most pre-teenagers. In an interview with Parenting.com, Melania said Barron's favourite aesthetic is “clean and white”, much like his father who intends to introduce tougher immigration policies and caused much controversy following his suggestion of an American Muslim registry.
It is the job of a special committee representing Mermaids to rebrand the town’s most loved student theatre. Suggestions for the Barron’s new name have been described by sources as ‘mildly preferable’ and yours truly has managed to glean some information on the alternatives thus far:
- Birthers & Mirthers
- The Repulsive Realtor-Theatre
- The Phobe
There have also been two remarkably similar suggestions of mysterious origin per the Barron’s head of rebranding, these being ‘Pewt Inn’ and ‘Stahl Inn’ – sources suggest that this could be the work of Russian hackers. The owners of local Michelin starred restaurant the Peat Inn have already made moves to block this change, amidst fears that confusion over the similarity of the names will lead to the unfortunate association of their establishment with the nefarious antics of the Russian Federation.