Student Feels Accomplished for Doing the Absolute Bare Minimum

Completely failing to absorb any piece of information from her Thursday Modern History lecture, second-year student Emily has reportedly shown no regret for her inability to perform as a student, instead rather feeling proud of herself for showing up to the lecture in the first place. 


“Considering I went pretty hard at Sinners last night with the rugby gals and didn’t get to bed til 4 AM, I’m really just happy that I was able to show up to my 11 AM at all,” said a visibly smug Emily. Witnesses report that Emily spent the lecture browsing various websites on her Macbook Pro, switching from social media to news sites to Amazon—doing anything except take notes on the lecture, basically. When questioned, Emily admitted, “I didn’t really hear what the lecturer had to say about British wartime policy or whatever, but I took a BuzzFeed quiz that guessed what type of Ice Cream I am based on my sexual preferences. Turns out I’m Pistachio.”

In justifying her actions on Thursday, Emily pointed out that the Anthropology essay due earlier that week had taken up the bulk of her time and mental capacity. “There was no way I was going to actually write down notes from the Modern History lecture. I spent five whole hours a few nights ago planning and writing my Anthro essay from start to finish. If anything, I’m brave for showing up to class today. Like, I definitely needed a mental health day, and if my parents saw what I did, they’d be proud.”

And it looks like Emily isn’t alone in her complacency. A poll carried out by Salvator among the (admittedly very few) other students who managed to show up to this class reveals that 80% of those asked feel accomplished for doing the bare minimum this Thursday, and 70% will most likely go out for another night in the Union, only to begin the cycle anew in a few weeks’ time when the next deadline appears.

Written by Christoph von Münchow