American Students Perplexed By Lack Of Daylight & Cold

In a move that surprised nobody, first-year student Thomas Chandler of Chicago, Illinois expressed his disbelief that the sun would set so early on the five o’clock walk home from his Management lecture. Although most would expect a returning student to become familiar with the afternoon setting in Scotland, Thomas was still able to go against common sense and utter, “Jesus, I can’t believe it’s already dark,” upon seeing the first glimpse of nightfall. Recent motives for this completely meaningless comment have come to surface after a brief period of unexplained confusion. It appears that the observation was made in a pathetic attempt at conversation to pass the time on the walk home with two acquaintances, who Thomas apparently identifies as “friends,” despite having only known the two individuals for roughly a day and a half. According to Thomas, he’d recently been gifted a copy of ‘Small Talk with Brits’ where tips 1-1099 listed various weather related ice-breakers, and he thought he’d try his luck. A classic schoolboy error there. 

Sweet, naïve Thomas. That's not how you make friends.

Sweet, naïve Thomas. That's not how you make friends.

This news comes only a few months after an epidemic of Pointing-out-the-bloody-obvious-itis was feared by officials, following numerous reports of students exclaiming “It’s cold as fuck!” in predictable scenarios, despite them knowing it’s a) winter b) Scottish winter. One student who survived the epidemic had this to say:

“Well I was outside in a snow drift, and I was suddenly compelled by a feeling to let my friends know just how cold it is. So I announced ‘Good lord it’s cold’ several times to remind my friends just how cold it was in case they’d forgotten since the last time I said it not 30 seconds ago. I thought I was delivering a public service, but my girlfriend told me I was exhibiting symptoms of the infection. I went to the doctors for a diagnosis, and asked how were my friends to know what the weather’s like without my predictable micro-forecasts. To my surprise, the doctor responded aggressively ‘Just open your fucking eyes and look out the window!’ and that was that. Well, that’s the NHS for you.”

Students with a habit of posting romanticised pictures of the cold weather on Instagram to fit their aesthetic,  then only to moan about it real life, are being referred to special clinics.

Students with a habit of posting romanticised pictures of the cold weather on Instagram to fit their aesthetic,  then only to moan about it real life, are being referred to special clinics.

Elsewhere around town, the weather continues to arouse emotions from returning international students. A similar pitiful remark on the climate was repeated fifteen minutes later that day by returning American student, Hannah Bennett. “I just hate how dark it gets here all the time,” the English major proclaimed in frustration. Oddly enough, Hannah’s aversion to the local setting starkly contrasts with her most recent Instagram post featuring a heavily filtered exterior of St Salvator’s Hall, in which her caption read, “Can’t wait to come home ❤❤”. Recent investigations conclude that one of Hannah’s primary factors in applying to St Andrews and other UK schools were the “gorgeous scenery” and “British landscape”. Poor Hannah, it would appear she’s suffering from You-knew-Scotland-was-cold-when-you-applied-here-so-stop-moaning-please-itis. But don’t worry, this ailment is common during the winter months, and can be easily cleared up with a course of antibiotics and plenty of rest.  

With Refresher’s Week now underway, University officials and the Met Office are issuing warnings to keep a close eye on students making comments regarding the hours of daylight and chilly weather in a bid to suppress the annual phenomenon. 

More follows.