All Main Library Books ‘Fake’

Every book in the main library is purely decorative and made from awful charity shop paperbacks, university staff have admitted this week.


The revelation came as a mature Theology postgraduate was failed for a thesis attributing the Holy Bible to Dick Francis.

“Everyone reads books on computers now anyway,” said a library spokesperson. “So a few years back, we thought we’d just burn them to free up some space for essay-related pacing. But it turns out a library with no books actually looks quite bare, and the students like to hold things to feel secure and look good with their knitted scarves. So in the end, we printed off some clever-sounding, old-timey-looking covers and stuck them on second-hand Maeve Binchy novels.”

Surprisingly, staff claim that this is the first instance of anyone bringing the matter up. “So far, no one else has noticed a whole section on interpersonal relationships is really Mills & Boon. Or at least they haven’t complained. To be honest, I wonder if their eyes can focus on anything that doesn’t have its own adjustable backlighting.”

Salvator asked students in the library café how they felt about these revelations. “Doesn’t bother me,” said one man. “I only come in here to eat Monster Munch and sigh loudly.”

One woman added, “The DVDs are still real though, right...?”

“And the sofas? Good.”

Article written by Bobby Innes