Candidates for Association President
Charlotte Andrew is known throughout the Bubble as being in charge of debates. Debate has its roots in the Latin battere to fight, revealing the open secret that St Andrews Debating Society is actually an underground cage-fighting ring for which intellectually rigorous argument is merely a preamble. Thus, if this election comes down to the shaving-foam lathered barehanded fight to the death in Sallie’s Quad (last used in the 1972 battle for DoES), Andrew will have the edge over her competitor.
Her manifesto promises to increase Widening Access, a regrettable yet necessary response to the obesity crisis. The Union may have just been redeveloped, yet the doors are once again too small for the heaviest third of the student population to use. Charlotte’s campaign (‘Choose Charlotte Andrew for Association President) is based upon the notion of choice. However, we all know that democracy is only ever an illusion created by the hegemonic elite to mask their self-serving oligarchy, suggesting that Andrew’s reiteration of choice unveils her role within the New World Order. Thus, the Salvator believes Andrew has no possibility of winning as long as the proletariat rise up to usurp the bourgeoisie. ‘Choose Charlotte Andrew’? Illuminati confirmed.
Our current Rector’s Assessor, Annie, has failed to notice how her title both sounds like rectum and contains the word ‘Ass’ – this may or may not be ironic. What definitely is ironic is her surname: this supposed ‘Newman’ is in fact an ‘Oldwoman’ of the Bubble, having become so entrenched in the fabric of the town that whenever Pat Mathewson thinks about St Andrews a likeness of the skyline appears on Newman’s arm like the Dark Mark.
Her campaign slogan is ‘Plan A’, which, despite the overtones of a pro-life campaign, apparently stands for Plan Accommodation. Unfortunately, the Salvator believes that Annie’s campaign will face interference from StAAAATT – the St Andrews Amateur and Academic Theatrical Troupe – who are engaged in an intense publicity campaign for their production of Annie: The Musical on Thursday of this week. This production features a dog so quite frankly Annie doesn’t stand a fucking chance. Annie, however, will be superb. It has that song about the day after today…what’s it called? I can't remember but you know the one I mean. Tickets £7/£6, Trinity Church Hall, 7.30 pm.